An open letter to those whose help fell on deaf ears

I suffered through an episode of My 600 pound life, with Penny. Penny was 530 pounds and had not been able to get out of bed or walk in 4 years. After surgery, she lost an initial 35 pounds but made no other progress in the weeks/months/year after. She was given all the tools she needed to succeed, but she had excuses after excuses after excuses. 

The suffering I mentioned was not a reflection of Penny, but more that in Penny’s reasonings and justifications- I found mine. My own excuses, my own rationales, in Penny’s trembling voice. 

There were years were I was a victim, but there have been more years since, where I’ve played the victim. I live with bipolar depression- and I’ve increasingly become conscious and aware that I continue to allow myself to live in a self destructive pattern. 

I have jumped head first into so much, at a whim, and just as swiftly have jumped back out. In an attempt to find a passion, I have been swayed by into believing I wanted the passion of others and I have tried to emulate the goals of others.

I have had the uncommon opportunity to be helped, guided and mentored by some of the best in more than one industry and I have consistently lied to myself, to others and failed all of us.