Envy, Jealousy and hipocrisy

Posted by

What is it they always say?

Bad habits die hard?

It’s probably “old habits” but I’ll stick to bad, because sometimes old habits aren’t demeaning.

Bad habits.

I wanted to say “like clockwork…” this and this happened, but really it’s just that I haven’t broken any of my bad habits – I’ve only just changed the venue for them.

One of my biggest pitfalls – is comparison. I compare my beauty. I compare my body. I compare my life to those of people I don’t even know.

It started originally in elementary school but I know it really flourished in high school in regards to Josh. I constantly worked at and fought against whoever else it was he wasn’t but really was with. I had to be better than her. I had to be smarter. I had to be funnier. I had to be prettier. I had to be prettier. I had to be prettier. If I wasn’t, why would he want me?

The mentality has stuck with me through the years, and evolved again when I got introduced to bikini bodybuilding. I had to be leaner. My bikini had to be more eyecatching. My routine had to be smoother. My hair and makeup had to be more show worthy. I had to be better.

Why? Because I lack self confidence.

The venue now? Veganism. My social media feed has evolved to a beautiful array of plants, colors and animals and I love it. But there’s also that “I lost 20 pounds by eating Vegan” that floats through.

A shlew of really fairly lean vegan bodies will bombard me amongst the trove of animal justice posts – and I think to myself, “Why haven’t I achieved that yet?”

Same habits. New venues.