Envy, Jealousy and hipocrisy

What is it they always say?

Bad habits die hard?

It’s probably “old habits” but I’ll stick to bad, because sometimes old habits aren’t demeaning.

Bad habits.

I wanted to say “like clockwork…” this and this happened, but really it’s just that I haven’t broken any of my bad habits – I’ve only just changed the venue for them.

One of my biggest pitfalls – is comparison. I compare my beauty. I compare my body. I compare my life to those of people I don’t even know.

It started originally in elementary school but I know it really flourished in high school in regards to Josh. I constantly worked at and fought against whoever else it was he wasn’t but really was with. I had to be better than her. I had to be smarter. I had to be funnier. I had to be prettier. I had to be prettier. I had to be prettier. If I wasn’t, why would he want me?

The mentality has stuck with me through the years, and evolved again when I got introduced to bikini bodybuilding. I had to be leaner. My bikini had to be more eyecatching. My routine had to be smoother. My hair and makeup had to be more show worthy. I had to be better.

Why? Because I lack self confidence.

The venue now? Veganism. My social media feed has evolved to a beautiful array of plants, colors and animals and I love it. But there’s also that “I lost 20 pounds by eating Vegan” that floats through.

A shlew of really fairly lean vegan bodies will bombard me amongst the trove of animal justice posts – and I think to myself, “Why haven’t I achieved that yet?”

Same habits. New venues.