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*cue Elastic Heart by Sia*

And I know that I can survive
I walked through fire to save my life

Lately, amongst all my other struggles (most notably the increasing body weight and fat and all of the mental thoughts that coincide) I have been feeling unfulfilled. Perhaps they’re all correlated. Perhaps, I unknowingly fell into the trap of depression, but this time – it seems to have taken a different form.

I can’t seem to catch my footing. I don’t feel of use. I’ve never really felt I had any talents yet, I feel like my talents are untapped right now, whatever they may be.

I was discussing with a couple of friends their choices and life now as nurses. I specifically shared with Justine that as a survival mechanism (many years ago) I became very hard. More so than an outer shell, but that I needed to devoid myself of having compassion and sympathy. I didn’t think that I was going to survive my environment – so I became very hard. Whatever it was that I created at that moment, grew like a wildfire. I am incredibly difficult and unattached. Emotionally void and mean.  I became rough around the edges – but in reality, I am incredibly emotionally connected and invested.

It’s not a situation of breaking down the walls, I don’t think that metaphor accurately applies.

But, I am motherly. I’m maternal. I am caring.

After that relationship ended (the first time – long confusing story) I ended up at a job in family law. I think it was probably the worst thing for me to do because in a position where you deal with families and emotions and basically people during the worst times of their lives. Instead of approaching these people and their situations with compassion and understanding, I reinforced my survival and coping mechanisms. Professionally, it was an accurate approach as one needs to maintain a neutral perspective.

Personally however, I think it destroyed who I really was. I flailed for a long time, not knowing what it was I wanted to do or how I was going to make a career out of myself. I thought back one day in desperation about what I was good at. So now, I’m in law and only because of how well I succeeded at that job.

Am I succeeding now? Sure. I maintain an office. I have excellent benefits, and the prospect of doing this has stability.

but I am not meant to be this person.